Transcript of a hilarious walk home

Me: K I need you to try and walk straight with me

Dbag: Where am I?

Me: We’re on L****** it’s just two more blocks fool

Dbag: We’re at Hogwarts?

Me: Wha?.. sure we’re at Hogwarts but walk straight. Left, Right, Left…who are you calling?

[Dbag…fiddles with phone lands on the M’s randomly selects M***]

Me: You know you’re calling M*** right? She has a midterm tomorrow ok whatever go for it. Can we try to walk at the same time?”

Dbag (to the phone): M***!!!!!! I’m at Hogwarts!!!!!!!!

Wait wait wait…Right…Right …Right”

Me: [laughing] what the Fuck. Ok Left, Right Left You know you’re still on the pho….

[unmarked white camery rolls by]

Dbag: M***! It’s the police! We’re getting arrested! Call my mom. Her name is C**** ****! She loves me because she thinks I’m going places [mumble mumble] M*** call my Mom it’s C**** M Z G H B SH T K R

M*** don’t call my mom call mEeeeeee….Where am I? talk to A***

[thrusts phone to me]

Me: Hey beezey, I’ll see you later.

Frustrated Rant #1

So there were three puppies today! (Btw I doubt I’m going to post every day. I’m just bored now and am on a roll.) There was this adorable terrier puppy (actually a puppy) that probably should not have been running around campus without a leash but hey he was cute anyway. There was a playful boxer named Roxy that I almost got to pet because it was with a fellow coworker. Sadly he was just watching it for someone else and I didn’t want to be too much of a creeper. And then there was a random one that was not quite as adorable as the other two. Weirdly it was off a leash too, which I don’t understand when you live in a neighborhood with bad college drivers and narrow hilly streets.

Sadly no real douchebags today. I mean I got kicked out of my table at LuValle 5 minutes earlier then I was planning on it but hey, I was leaving anyway.

So I’m going to take this opportunity to bitch about the abortion issue. If you get offended then stop reading. I don’t generally give my opinion about controversies like this because I try to respect others opinions no matter how retarded they may be. Which is why I get doubly pissed off when some born-again tries to tell me that people are horrible for believing in a woman’s right to choose and thinking its wrong for some asshole with a “mission” to shoot a doctor point blank. Which is really why I’m all riled up today.

My awesome new phones sends me headlines that I can just scroll through and I came across this little gem today “Lesser charges barred in abortion doc killing: A judge has ruled that a jury cannot consider a lesser charge of voluntary manslaughter” 1) What the hell is voluntary manslaughter? If you intend to kill someone in anything other than self defense (and even then it still better be a semi accident split-second decision) than you’re a murderer and deserve to be tried as one. 2) Why does a judge even have to lay down the law on this?

That doubled with a Facebook status thread about some dumb bitch who thinks that women are weak and that there are plenty of women out there who can’t get pregnant so abortions should be illegal means I’m feeling pretty frustrated today. I mean don’t consider at all our shitty foster care system and the overcrowded orphanages or the poverty in other countries at all.

It just pisses me off so much that people think they are right and everyone else is not only wrong, but heathens, for trying to take the world on a situation by situation basis instead of condemning entire groups of people without even trying to sympathize with both sides of the issue.

And yes…I haven’t completely ignored the child when thinking about this. Personally I would probably keep it if I ended up pregnant. But I think bringing one into this world without being as prepared as possible for taking care of it, loving it, and providing for it is irresponsible and abusive. If “God” meant for it to be the next Einstein, or Roosevelt or Hitler or Charles Manson or whatever then he/she/it/they would have followed through and made sure it was born.

Anyway, it was nice to get that out. I‘m pretty clear on what I believe but I never take the opportunity of calling people out on their shit because despite this rant I do understand why people can be so against it. I just don’t think that one person’s thoughts, especially ones so entrenched in religious brainwashing, should legislate for the rest of the country.

Ok I’m done now. I’m gonna Google some pictures of puppies to make me feel better.

Yup...I'm really doing this

Kk so not a very eventful day today…no puppies or exceptional dbags.

I mean there were the assholes that should have been on Bruinwalk but were sneaking around Haines who tried to make me feel guilty for ignoring them. You’re carrying around a clipboard. Acknowledging you would mean I’d end up getting scammed for another $196.00. You’d try to guilt me with the dying children while not given me any real assurance that I’m not just being really stupid. In fact you should feel guilty for calling me out when I was giving all the obvious “please don’t make me be a bitch and actually tell you no” signs. Headphones in (blasting Body Language), staring up at the sky, walking as far away as possible. Obviously I need some sunglasses. Maybe then they’ll get the hint.

Probably not.

Anyway because nothing horribly eventful happened and no one really yelled at me we’re going to have to get creative.

Which will probably end up a tranny trainwreck but hey, I need to be true to my inner self, so its ok.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
So I spent 15 minutes getting distracted and not thinking of anything so I’m just gonna get this out of my system and write about my pets. I know right. How lame. But it’s going to happen one day so I might as well just do it and move on. Oooooh…that’s what she said. And yes…I did watch the latest episode of The Office.

I’ve got two dogs and a cat that live at home with my parents while I slum it in Westwood =(.

Lady’s a ginger anorexic chow-chow mutt who is even more paranoid and insecure than I am. That’s probably because she’s a ginger. She also tries to be Chola with the exaggerated eyeliner look but she gets scared when you speak Mexican so she’s in a no-win situation there. My dad picked her out in the pound because she looked sad and over it. Probably because she was pregnant at the time but no one at the pound thought fit to tell us that. The vet “took care of it” though before we could have done anything about it. Anyways she stalked me and hid under my bed for two years and eventually grew on me. And then I left for college and now she hates me while still being obsessed with me.



Shadow on the other hand is an overweight mutt kind of mutt that I picked out because she looked so happy despite being in a kennel with 4 other newborn puppies. She was supposed to be my dog but because Lady was psycho, Shadow was forced to get mellow and became the neutral family dog who sleeps with her head sticking out of the doggy door. She kind of recognizes me when I came home. Mostly she’s just happy to have someone else around to pet her.



So really the only pet that I’m obsessed with just as much as she’s obsessed with me is my cat Lily. She’s the reason I’m more of a cat person than I am a dog person because she does the whole unconditional love thing without being needy. I mean she’ll throw a fit if she doesn’t get enough attention but that’s way better than hiding under the bed and sulking. Being a cat though, she’s not very interesting and keeps her crazy to herself for the most part.





Ok. Good…now that that’s over with you’ll never have to deal with me gushing over them again. I have the feeling the first few of these are going to end with me introducing my life to you so I don’t have awkward explaining my references digressions.

Prologue

“If it’s so important why don’t they just call it Chapter 1” – my fav ginger.

This section isn’t that important except that it lays out for the wary reader the general plan I have for this blog. Oh and it also kind of introduces me. I’m not good with just jumping right into things so while I’ll try to keep this short it will probably be pages long and have no point.

Basically I’m a senior at UCLA, graduating in June, going to Italy in August, and then after that I have no plans.

None

Nada.

“Well," you ask, “what did you think you would do after college, I mean you can’t have had no idea of why you were paying thousands upon thousands of dollars to attend a top notch university?”

And my answer would be…complicated…. but I’ll try to map it out for you anyway. For starters, I wanted to be a teacher. I still want to be a teacher. I’ve wanted to be a teacher since I decided that being the first woman president would ruin my life’s happiness and that what you are isn’t as important as how happy you are. Because let’s face it, life sucks and then you die. At least for most of us average, middle class, citizens. But I think that if you recognize that, live by the philosophy of making lemonade out of lemons, and do your upmost to be happy without hurting anyone else, then life doesn’t really have to be that bad. And really, it’s not exactly like I’ve lived a shitty life so far. It’s actually been pretty good. My parents are still alive, together, and doing well. My brother and I only tried to beat the living shit out of each other for a 6 months period when I was around 13. I’ve had a job the last 4 years, can afford to go to school without getting into debt (barely), and don’t actively hate anyone that I have to see day to day. My life’s actually pretty awesome, beige, but still awesome. And sure shitty things happen and I tend to blow them way out of proportion, overanalyze them for years, and let them affect me way too much while vainly trying to suppress them.

Anyway, that little digression aside, we come back to the fact that I actually WANT to be a teacher. In a public high school - preferably sophomores and juniors. Little did I know that two years in the economy would plummet, the baby boomers would hang on to their jobs for another ten years, people would fall into their back up plan of becoming a *shudder* teacher, and all of the sudden a profession in high demand for able, young minds was suddenly broke and with a surplus of applicants. Half the reason I wanted this job was that I wouldn’t have to be cut throat, constantly comparing myself to others, and be more worried about keeping my job rather than doing my job. And while I’m sure I should have started applying to grad schools or education programs and all the other things you’re supposed to do before becoming a teacher, I’ve found myself frozen. Can’t bring myself to actually sit down and do it. I keep putting school first (which honestly for the amount of money I’m paying I should be) and then my friends and family, or my part time job on campus. And I feel like I’m going to be this way for a while.

So, essentially, my life’s going to be pretty transitional for the next two or three years, so I thought I’d blog about the two constants in my life with a few rants, maybe a few art critiques (and by critiques I mean I’ll babble with no structure and little style and try to prove I can still B.S. about art), and anything else that comes to mind.

And you’re wondering what those constants are? Well refer back to the lovely title of this blog and there you go. The one thing that's guaranteed to make me stop whining about whatever it is I’m whining about is pets of any kind that appear on the street, in cars, on TV...you get the point. (Not just puppies btw except that despite the actual species I’m seeing I tend to just squeal “puppy” anyway). And given that blogging about cute animals is going to be pretty boring and non-sustainable pretty quickly, I’ve added the Douchebag parts to add some spice. And by dbag I’m talking about those special individuals that try to completely ruin your day by making what should be short, brief, person to person encounters into traumatic events to be discussed for at least two days after. Thank you so much for making life interesting.

Coming up soon: a cute Irish border collie and soyless baristas.